Art by LK Shaw & Words by Vicki Tingle

thank you for including me in your life of endless parties

today is the first day in a long time that i have not been feeling myself

i can hear the ocean from my room and

it seems sarcastic

we carried on like

'we've already read this book and it ends well'

and you carried me on your back like luggage

plot twist, it doesn't end well

spoiler, it never ends well

i shut my finger in a door and said 'good riddance'

i began to notice things that had long seemed dead to me

i felt things

i texted, 'hey boy, you feel like ecstasy'

hey boy, lay your hands upon me and give me the strength to accept the things that i cannot change

like how you moved out on me

you went back to the ocean

you seemed sarcastic

you texted 'thank you for including me in your antisocial lifestyle'

i moved to where the parties are

but my desktop background will always be a picture of the ocean

and if i stare soft enough, i can swear the waves are moving

if i unfocus my eyes i can swear that my heart is beating

sometimes unfocused eyes can feel the same as hangover eyes

and hangover eyes can feel the same as 'i cried over you last night' eyes

and i often have a strange feeling in my eyes

since then ive been drinking straight rum

and walking around alone, no headphones,

getting turned on by misogynistic literature,

desperation

these are the things i ought to keep to myself

these are the things that i cannot change

hey boy, i know we're of a different kind

you converse with the norms, my soul is closed for business

but that ain't no thing when you in that north face jacket boy

thank you for including me in your life of endless parties

but i'm at the coat-check trying to focus my eyes

i implore you to come closer

i implore you to keep away

i'm sorry for not believing in the beauty

of a string of nice-sounding words

of the way a body moves when riding waves of misguided hope

i need to thank you

for the way you pressed your mouth on mine

but there are too many things that i cannot change

i dip my toe into the water

good riddance

Vicki Tingle lives in Brighton, UK