Robby Rackleff
The Five Point Program for the Financial Success of Young Professionals
You smell that? Smells like money to me… You smell money do you smell money? You guys ready to make some money? Real money?
I used to be one of those guys with a spreadsheet and a how to guide on how
to regulate superfluous spending…
Charts, graphs, statistics, pages of statistics; I knew I was spending 6 dollars a day on food. I knew I spent around a dollar fifty for electricity, a dollar for water, two dollars a day for phone service, 15 cents on internet…
Obsessively, I tried to control myself and slim down the day-to-day costs.
Student Loans, mortgage payments, magazine subscriptions…
IT GOT ME NOWHERE.
Get the picture? How many of you are in the same ditch? Huh?
It’s time to climb out!
The Five Point Program for the Financial Success of Young Professionals
STEP 1
Begin dreaming of rivers of blood.
If it helps, go to sleep with a knife. Held to your chest BLADE DOWN.
We want those rivers of blood in your head not in your bed.
Now this is an important step because in every one of us, everyone out there is home to a little plume of pure self-pit. What the rivers of blood do is they feed into that plume and help it become avaricious, just savagely avaricious
So now you’ve got your rivers of blood and your avarice mixed with the feeling that maybe life just isn’t fair to you. People are plotting to steal whatever is precious to you and are constantly undermining you when you’re not around.
Now we’re cooking. Am I right?
Are you read for step two?
STEP 2
Bury your hair in the ground.
(You may not have much of a front or backyard but if there’s one thing I know about American cities it’s that each one has plenty of graveyards.)
Now you won’t need too much hair for this step just enough to fill a normal-sized white envelope. Bury it in the ground.
STEP 3
Arm Yourself
You’ve got your dreams of endless rushing blood and you’ve got your hair buried in the ground. What do you think is next? Should you drink your own urine? Sheeya Right! l ; Should you use an acid tipped glass blade to cut Ley lines into your skin? As if!
C’mon Bro what do you think is next? I’ll give you a hint. How many of you are familiar with Blake? William Blake? How many of you are familiar with Anglican Hymns?
“Bring Me my bow of burning gold Bring me my arrows of desire Bring me my spear O’ clouds unfold Bring me my… CHARIOTS OF FIRE!”
Steal these weapons from heaven.
STEP 4
The movement of water over sand,
The movement of sand over wood
The movement of wind over water
Got it? Good. (Humiliate your enemies.)
STEP 5
Resign to the plume.
You’ve got the blood, the hair and dirt, the weapons you stole from heaven, and (hopefully) you’ve humiliated those who didn’t believe in you. With just a few minor lifestyle tweaks, you’ve made yourself a master of your own destiny.
The bottom line is this: Life is hard, spending is inevitable… unforeseen expenses creep up out of nowhere and can throw your whole system of self-finance topsy-turvy.
So what is the final element required to turn our financial tragedy into limitless wealth? What’s missing? Remember that colorless cloud we cultivated during the first step of the five-point program?
If you’ve made it to Step 5 the plume should be the biggest thing in your body. It should fill every cavity in your trunk. Every organ will be inundated with the thick pitch of perpetual want.
And in the end all you need to do is RESIGN to it. Before you know it, the cash will be flowing.
Six thousand dollars Twelve thousand dollars Eighteen thousand dollars
Six thousand dollars Twelve thousand dollars Eighteen thousand dollars
Six thousand dollars Twelve thousand dollars Eighteen thousand dollars
Dina Kelberman
Megan McShea
Three Large Swollen Things (for Blaster)
I.
Lingering amidst our
auger brigade
rigged up with fancy
glows a bride
entirely made of cotton
sticks to sin talk
when it wants fed
options evaporate quickly then
like it never lost anything
lint
even
not without a certain inky grace
to be hewn from
huge hounds
in their suckling linens
nesting there like a
gull out of
season
II.
Lope
a gut
rejoinder
gawking
eagle-eyed
speak
where
only
limp-eyed
lumpen
eat
noons
take
heads
if
necessary,
get
sorted
III.
Llllrrrrrrr
Aaaaaaauuuuuur
Rrrrrgggggllll
Ggggggggmmmmmnnn
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh
Sssssssssssk
Woooooooooooo
Oooooooooommmmmmmm
Llllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiii
Lllllllllllllnnnnnn
Eeeeeeeeooooop
Nnnnnnaaaaaaaaa
Tooooooooooo
Hmmmmmmmm
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip
Nnnnnnnk
Ggggggggddddddd
Ssssssssssst
WORMSBOOK is forthcoming from Narrow House.
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