Tamm Walters

THE HYENA AND THE GNUS:
A Fable Dedicated to the Female Approach


The loose bachelor herd of wildebeests, having no territory to defend and therefore no stray estrous females to court, decided to make it a Blockbuster night. They sent Big Blue on the movie run with specific instructions: rent a stag film. Big Blue had the largest horns of the bunch, a fact about which the others teased him without mercy--in an effort to deflect their own insecurities. At least that's what Big Blue's girlfriend said. She was smart that way. Big Blue returned with the casing for Bambi Does Dallas. The DVD inside, however, was titled Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. That fucking spotted hyena working behind the counter--he was probably, at this very moment, laughing his anal pouch off.

What the hell, the wildebeests decided. They cued the disc up anyway. Still, the mix-up--justly or not--was counted as one more mark against the Bluester.

The wildebeests cheered when Indy, confronted by a scimitar-wielding gentleman of (obvious) Arabic persuasion, forsook his customary whip and simply shot the troublemaker dead.

Big Blue frowned.

“That hardly seems fair,” he said.

“Oh, for Christ's sake, Blue. You're taking this progressive bullshit way too far.” Big Blue's Uncle Ed paused the movie and pointed the remote at Blue as he spoke. “I didn't say nothing when you started dating that brown hyena. To each his own, I say. But the girl's got you mock-penis whipped. Truth is, leadership that is not prepared to disadvantage anyone is hardly leadership at all. FYI, buddy. Hyenas scavenge the kills of other animals. And they don't pair bond. You want to live on the fringe of a communal den, be my guest. As for me, I'm rewinding that last scene, and I'm going to applaud that camel fucker getting plugged all over again.”

The herd followed Uncle Ed's lead and returned to watching the movie. Big Blue left the party. Verbal aggression, his girlfriend said, is as psychically harmful as its physical counterpart. Even a wildebeest is entitled to set her or his boundaries.

Big Blue's absence was greeted with relief. His hyenazation of their body politic was making them weak. Dragging them down. Exposing their soft underbelly. Plus, considering the size of those big-ass horns, they were glad to be rid of the competition.

As for Blue himself: his leaving the party turned out to be a serendipitous move. The spotted hyena who'd switched the DVD, he hadn't wasted any time yukking it up. He alerted the rest of his clan to the preoccupation of the wildebeest herd. Also, in order to gain favor and earn a certain amount of protection, he passed the same information along to a pride of lions he knew would be most interested. The lions were picking their teeth before the final credits of Indiana rolled. The hyenas helped themselves to the baby gnus and, of course, received the leftovers from the bachelor party.

Moral:
A relative--not to mention passé--concept in a postmodern world.

At least that's what Blue's girlfriend says.

Tamm Walters is a recluse-in-training who lives somewhere near a big mountain with her saint-husband Michael and actor-son Alexander--currently on location in New Orleans filming the feature Big Ginger with Ed Harris, Amy Madigan, and WWE star Randy Orton.